In its entirety, The Wish goes like this: “We wish peace, love, happiness, and good food for the children all over the world.” (Or, as Adam says it, “oval over the world.”) It substitutes for a before-meal blessing in the diverse secular daycare my children attend. It is a worthy and beautiful wish, and I approve wholeheartedly of a thing like that in their school.
Adam and Becky repeat the wish many times a day: before they eat, while they eat, while they wait to brush their teeth, in the car, and sometimes before bed. It’s in the repertoire with “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and the alphabet, and it shows up at random.
I’m not sure what the appeal is for them — it could be simply that’s it’s rhythmic and (at school) habitual, or it could be that this age (almost three) is prime time for spiritual, outside-of-yourself thinking. I want to harness this spiritual energy and help my kids know the God that I know: the forgiving God who doesn’t discriminate, who does not call forth disaster, who provides what we need when we need it (even though we don’t always recognize it in the moment). I want this because I know the peace this belief can bring, and I want it because I don’t want my children to get the idea of a vengeful God who prefers white, wealthy Christians over anyone who is a shade of brown or a secular humanist or poor. I don’t want them to get tangled up in the misguided ideas of people on their path to grace.
I feel strongly about these things. I believe deeply that these ideas are important. And I feel that I’m falling down on the job. I’m not completely comfortable talking about religion with people who are important to me; it wasn’t DONE in my family. We didn’t pray before meals, except at Thanksgiving. My mother stopped going to church when I was about 14 (although I think she would like to go back, if my dad would ever go with her — she doesn’t like to sit alone). I don’t have a good model for teaching these things in an organic way. Maybe more importantly, my husband doesn’t do this stuff, doesn’t believe in it, will not interfere, but sometimes I feel like he looks at me sideways when I bring religious ideas up. I’m self-conscious about it at home, and although I don’t like doing things halfway, that’s been all I could muster so far.
We do wish peace, love, happiness, and good food for children all over the world — and all their grownups, too. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble taking it further.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Cat // Mar 13, 2006 at 9:07 am
I seem to have the same exact problem, with my husband not being a quiet standby, but stating that I’m wasting my time, etc. I always feel much better when I do go, but I feel like I get guilted into not going way too often, because I’m taking up time when I could be doing something else, like cleaning house.
If it makes you feel good, stand your ground. Ask Dan if he’s at all interested. And try to teach the kids, I agree with all the reasons you mentioned. I am solving this problem mainly with Catholic school. And Nick is getting it. Julie has just begun, but I think all the tenets that are important are getting in there.
I think anytime you can add a little aside, it will help it be part of their lives, and that will make the difference. Not like it’s separate from normal, but that it’s part of the normal.
And I gotta say, I find it adorable when a three year old child explains something about ‘that brown girl’, because they learn their colors and that is the color of the kid. Kinda like ‘the girl in the red dress’ or something. I like the way their school is handling the no prayer in school thing, and the cultural differences they are going to have to internalize.
2 christie // Mar 13, 2006 at 10:31 am
Perhaps I need to clarify: It’s not so much that I need to stand my ground — I have no actual opposition. It’s really that being a church person is countercultural, and I don’t live in a milieu that supports it. My work environment is obviously supportive of religious indoctrination (!), but I spend a lot of energy trying to keep my work life separate from my personal life. It’s a stuckness that really only comes from me.
Part of the agreement of our marriage is that Dan gets asked to show up at church occasionally (for baby-wrangling or moral support), and I don’t ask or expect him to take it any further than physically being there on those occasions. In many families, spiritual formation falls to the mom because that’s what the parents themselves knew as children, but in our family that’s the case because I’m the one with the background and the motivation.
I think, FWIW, that John’s comments about wasting time are INCREDIBLY disrespectful.
3 Janet // Mar 13, 2006 at 1:36 pm
I’ve recently heard (I watch too much network news) that at around age 2-3 kids ARE inclined to be helpful, if they sense someone else really NEEDS their help, so I agree with your statement about “this age (almost three) is prime time for spiritual, outside-of-yourself thinking.”
If you tell them that “God will provide when we need it” (whether or not it’s true, and I’m more inclined than not to believe it) they may feel they don’t have to help others (because God will) just for the sake of feeling good helping others. My suggestion is to work on the “thinking of others” part and don’t worry about stressing God until they’re older (if that’s what you feel is right).
4 Kiely // Mar 13, 2006 at 1:38 pm
I love the WISH! I appreciate your struggle with this–even though I am not a parent, because my job requires that I teach other people’s children about issues of faith. And some parents seem to think that church professionals are responsible for teaching their children everything they need to know about faith.
I am working on ways to equip parents to incorporate practices into their daily lives that reinforce what we are doing at church. But clearly, one hour a week isn’t going to do it.
I think it’s a fundamental misperception about what “faith” or “religion” is. I am trying to get parents and kids to think about Christianity as a way of life, not what they believe in their brain or even in their heart. I’ve started the outline of what I consider “fundamental” practices and I am trying to revamp the Confirmation curriculum to embody those practices, so we will be teaching youth how to live as a Christian, not what to believe as a Christian–because everyone has doubts and questions–that will continue our whole life. But we can live a Christian life without sorting out what the trinity is or if we really believe that Jesus was divine AND human, etc.
This is the beginning of my list of essential ways to live:
1. Radical hospitality (everyone is welcome to the table, strangers are welcomed in, both rich and poor, tax collectors, and prostitutes)
2. Living Simply: this is the hardest one in the US, land of consumption, and admittedly difficult for me. But this is at the core of Jesus’ message: there should be justice for the poor, if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven, you should give your wealth away to those who need it)
3. Advocating for the marginalized: (whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me)
4. Religion and free will aren’t in opposition. God isn’t a superhero that is going to come in and save you because you are a nice person. Bad things happen to good people (Jesus was crucified). Rather, God is with us. I don’t believe that God is in control the world. God is with us, consoling us, challenging us, calling us to a better life, but God has given us free will to decide we are going to live.
Religions aren’t just saying “be nice to everybody” because that doesn’t really change much. Of course, we should be nice to people. Christianity demands a lifestyle change.
Sorry about the sermon–it was nice to be able to clarify my thoughts by writing them out.
5 Kiely // Mar 13, 2006 at 1:54 pm
I was working on my blog and typing your comment at the same time and realized that much of what I meant to paste into my blog ended up on your comments. Sorry.
So, I meant to say that at 3, I notice big changes–both in Ethan, who I babysat and with the toddlers at church. They seem to be free to express spiritual thoughts and ideas. And it does seem to help kids to have a regular practice for praying–like before meals and/or before bed. It encourages them to express what they are already pondering and gives parents a chance to hear how they are thinking about these issues. But, I’m not a parent yet and I’m sure when I am struggling to get kids to eat their beans or put on their pajamas some nights, prayer will be the last thing on my mind.
6 christie.e.burke // Mar 13, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Kiely said: “But we can live a Christian life without sorting out what the trinity is or if we really believe that Jesus was divine AND human, etc.”
I think that’s true. Those are examples of particular doctrines that belong to particular churches/denominations. It’s possible to live a life that looks a lot like a Christian life without knowing the first thing about organized religion. (I was hoping to hear from you, Kiely.
)
In defense of the parents: Some of them may not (think they) have the background they really need to do that organic teaching. I know that’s the case in the Catholic Church, which basically skipped a generation of catechesis after Vatican II.
Janet said: “If you tell them that “God will provide when we need it” (whether or not it’s true, and I’m more inclined than not to believe it) they may feel they don’t have to help others (because God will) just for the sake of feeling good helping others. My suggestion is to work on the “thinking of others” part and don’t worry about stressing God until they’re older (if that’s what you feel is right).”
I appreciate your point, Janet. I think, though, that teaching the spiritual ideas that I believe to be true will bring about a call to service; and I think also that introducing an additional element of religion LATER (once they’re already gotten the do-unto-others idea) wouldn’t be as effective as teaching all those concepts as a whole. It’s certainly possible to live a good life and be a good person without any religious inclination — but if I want both virtue and religion (and I do), it makes sense to tie it all together from the beginning.
Once they grow up, Becky and Adam will have their own choices to make about how to live their lives. They may choose not to be part of any church at all; they may choose to reject every faith idea I give them. They may even choose to behave like jerks all the time. When they come to the point of choosing, I want them to be fully informed; I want them to have some basis for comparison. Now is the time to establish the foundation for that, and I’m having a hard time.
7 Dan // Mar 13, 2006 at 4:06 pm
While Christie does a fairly good job of defending me up there, I want you all to know a little bit of background before you judge me as a lax Christian father or whatever.
I was baptized Catholic, but that was it - my Lutheran mom and my Catholic dad could basically agree on that, and then it was up to me to find out what the plan was from there. And, like 99% of kids to whom it was left up, I found myself completely comfortable with no religion or “faith” whatsoever. I’m not a deranged immoral heathen, so I like to think I turned out fine. I’m deeply okay with not having an answer for every question in the world (even ones about creation, origin, or the universe). I certainly don’t judge anyone else’s beliefs (something I fear Christians are failing at on a global scale right now, but that’s another topic).
Christie felt strongly that the kids should be Catholic, and I didn’t feel strongly that they shouldn’t. That’s about it. Asking me to get more involved in their Catholic upbringing would be a lot like asking me to talk to the kids about how Liebnitz invented calculus when it’s completely possible that Newton did. Or to espouse Ford or Chevy instead of teaching responsible car ownership and driving. Or deciding between Burger King or McDonalds instead of valuing healthy eating and living.
I think the wish is great. Anything that gets my kids thinking about the fact that there are other people–even kids that aren’t in the room–and that we all share, on a big scale… it’s awesome. (The fact that this has been repeated often enough to be rendered near-meaningless is emblematic, of course, of most atheists’ main problems with most big-deal formal religion.)
Christie and I will (and have, and like to) talk about what steps we can take to make sure our kids don’t end up weird. If it’s not totally clear (and if I can attempt to speak for her where she hasn’t explicitly clarified herself), this space is something of a parking lot for her own unfiltered thought. She can voice a frustration here, even one that involves me, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that I suck or that I’m in the doghouse. (At least I hope not.) I just wanted to bring maybe another dimension to the picture you might be getting here if you just came for photos of a sock.
8 christie // Mar 13, 2006 at 10:06 pm
If you were in the doghouse, or if I were mad at you, I would say so. But probably not on the internet.
9 Cat // Mar 14, 2006 at 11:53 am
My goodness! Isn’t it always that when you talk about religion or politics, you get more replies!
I would like to clarify: I do not think you two are in opposition, in fact I believe you do a much better job with actually dealing with issues than most couples I know, and the dealing with part filters down to your children in a positive manner. Sorry to put a negative spin on that. I think what I was getting at is that the discussion was within Christie herself, and like she says, that type of thing wasn’t really discussed much in our growing up home. It just WAS. So Christie, I meant, take a stance of your choosing and go for it in the way you do best. Generally after working these things out with yourself, your children benefit from the process, and Dan, having his own (non) stance inthis case, is a quiet non-oppositional standby, which means go for your own approach, since he supports your choices. I do not have that freedom in my marriage, and perhaps am just a tad bit jealous of yours for it.
And Kiely, thanks for the simplification. I kind of liked that, even though you meant to put it in your blog. I am one of those people who like to have things spelled out on paper in order to mull them through myself. I am also one of those people who is letting Catholic school do most of this type of teaching for me, having no real background in it except being brought up in Catholic school myself.
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